The Longing

My insides are copper and I'd kill to make them gold, - Fallout Boy

I have a problem listening to most worship songs. It's a personal problem. I know a lot of people love songs where they can say "This is the air I breath," or "With each breath I'll praise you more," or even "This is all I have to give, and that's my everything." And they should love them. If they can immerse themselves in the words and come to worship God with them, they should. I envy them. I can't. Whenever words like that come out of my mouth they feel hollow. It's the letter "I" (technically in this context it's a word.) Well that's part of it. The problem with saying "I" for me is that I am very unreliable. I am tempted to think of myself all the time as it is. For twenty to thirty minutes on Sunday morning, and when I pop a CD into the player, I don't want to think about me. I want a few minutes to remember that its not about me, that everything I have as a Christian is not my doing. Its a direct result of who God is and what He does.

I think I could edit the words of the song and make them work for me. Like "This should be the air I breath," or I should praise you more," but it loses a bit of the poetry. Maybe the problem is myself, I can't set aside the memory of my faults long enough to worship. Maybe other people sin less than me and can put it aside easier. It is just so much more beneficial for me to remind myself of who God is. That's what changes me, not my half sung promises. I just wish I enjoyed both types of songs.

Have you ever noticed how some people not only expect the worst, but seem to want it. They crave it. They need something bad to happen. Why? Probably because they hate the people that they are. Most people are disappointed in themselves. They wish they did more, worked harder, thought deeper, believed more completely etc. When they fail to live up to those they hate it. But most people (myself included) are lazy. They don't want to actually work for those things. So then they go see movies like Lord of the Rings or Chronicles of Narnia and they think, "Look at those people, they are cool. If the world was ending I could be like that too." Well at least I have thought that. So then they want bad things to happen. Like all technology going to crap and we go back to killing each other with swords and harvesting our own food. Then with everything on the line they would have to step up and be better. It's really a silly idea, but think about it, I bet you have thought like that too. The fact of the matter is, if a world devastating event happened a lot of people would die simply cause they didn't feel like adapting to the way things turned out.

I think the point of both subjects I've talked about is this. People want to change. Most of us are lacking but don't know how to change or (more likely) just don't want to work at it. So we look at other people and wish to be like them, envy them, or we hope something will happen that will force us to change. At the end of the day, you have the final say on whether or not you change. God helps, He gives us every opportunity to, but He won't make you.

In Other news...
The makers of Ocean's 11 and 12, decided that they didn't have enough star power for the third installment, Ocean's 13 , and decided to add Al Pachino to the cast. I still don't think its a fair trade off for Cathrine Zeta- Jones or Julia Roberts, who both will not be returning.

If you haven't headr yet, Joss Whedon creator of Buffy, Angel, and Firefly and the movies related, will be directing and writing for the upcoming Wonder Woman movie. Which is almost enough reason to go see it.

I am looking for a job in ministry that I can work while I finish my degree. If you hear of any let me know.

I've no blood left to bleed...

...'cause my hearts been draining into the sea. -Rise Against

My life has hit one of those periods that, when I reach the end of my life, I will look back and remember it well. I had already been in a rather introspective part of my life. Mostly due to the books I have been reading lately. Fiction helps teach me about my own life in ways I could not have imagined back in high school. As characters deal with the darkness inside themselves, the consequences of theirs choices, or simply how to face a new problem, I find my thoughts turning to those things within myself. But what I think I will look back and see as a turning point, long after the title and content of those books is lost somewhere inside my head, is the phone call I received Sunday afternoon.

It was very much like a movie, I remember thinking that at the time, mostly cause I think I went almost immediately into shock. (It's very strange what your mind comes up with when you are in shock.) Anyway, I answer my phone, laughing at my friend who the waitress keeps flirting with. My mom and I now attend different churches most Sundays so it is not uncommon for her to call why she is on her way home and I am at lunch, so I wasn't prepared for anything out of the ordinary. In a tear strangled sob my mom says "Grammy died." I was hardly prepared for the statement, let alone that blunt manner it was presented in, my mom is rarely that blunt. I had my mom repeat the statement to make sure I had heard her right, and then sat and stared at my iced tea for the next minute before my brain kicked into gear and started asking questions.

A few months ago doctors discovered cancer cells inside my grandma. Unsure of where they came from, they immediately started her on chemo therapy. She had just come off her latest series of treatments and things were looking up. The amount of cancer cells were greatly reduced and it looked like things might be ok. The treatment had left her very dehydrated and slightly diabetic, so my aunt had taken her to the hospital. They had put her on an IV and she was feeling much better. My aunt and her had spent the whole morning laughing and talking and they were going to go to lunch. My grandma went into the bathroom, called my aunt in to help her stand up, said she was dizzy and needed to sit back down, and was dead almost by the time she sat back down. A blood clot had moved up from her leg and into her heart.

My grammy helped raise me. I spent as much time with her as I did with my parents after my parents divorce. From kindergarten until 7th grade, I saw her almost everyday. She gave me breakfast and took me to school, picked my up after school, took me to the library, took me to practices, she was always there. There is more comfort to take in her death than others I have dealt with. She was a Christian, she lived a long and happy life, and I got 21 and a half years with her. And losing her is one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with.

I have been thinking a lot about life since Sunday. One day I will be gone too. What kind of legacy will I leave behind me. I have been applying for ministry jobs and trying to finish my degree, this event has made me want to try even harder. I realize now more than ever how precious friends and family are. I have taken great comfort in you all during this time even if you don't realize it, or didn't even know what you were doing. (Special thank you's to the one who stopped what he was doing and turned to talk to, you have no idea how much that meant, and another thank you to the friend who has been trying to get a hold of me on im, we haven't talked in awhile but I am glad you wanted to talk, I know you didn't even know about this, but thank you.) My relationship with my girlfriend has been extremely strained that last week, she doesn't understand how I grieve and its making things hard. I am starting to wonder if this is just something we need to learn about each other or if this is just showing how different we are and that we don't know each other as well as we thought. I know things will work out for the best though. My prayers are very odd right now. I go to pray and my mind just shuts down, I have no words. I feel like I am meeting with God, like I normally do when I pray, but I have no words. So I sit and listen and wait and feel comforted, never having to say a word. Its, well I have no words, its nice though.

Anyway, I wanted to say thank you to everyone for all that you have done for me and all that you continue to do, I love you all very deeply.